Which took place on the 27th day of August in the midst of Highbury Park, Moseley.
The Pheasanteers
Back row L-R: The Dark Lord, The Man from Del Monte, The Temptress, L'Emminence Grise, Paul, Edward Sauasagehands (a.k.a. The Butcher's Boy), Umpire Cresswell Snorts (in his voluminous shorts).
Front row L-R: The Deflowerer, The Vagrant, The Zookeeper, Le Canard Mauvais, Paul, The Sly Duke.
The Teams
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Rhythm P.F.C.
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Leatherboys P.F.C.
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Melody P.F.C.
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Murdoch P.F.C.
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Grenoiulles P.F.C. ** 2006 World Champignons ** |
Pauls P.F.C.
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The Craig
Grenouilles vs. Rhythm, Final.
The Qualifying Rounds
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In order to determine who should play who in the qualifying stages, the ancient Hexagn of Craig method was used (see left). What this means is that each team must face every other team in the opposite half of the Hexagon, and cannot face adjacent teams until the knockout stages (should they make it that far). Rest assured that this method is a time-honoured tradition, so pay no heed to any scalliwag who asserts that it was cobbled together after the event in order to make the organisers look more organised, when in fact there was no apparent structure to proceedings. Such people are just insecure about their limited pheasanting ability, and should be treated with total disdain. |
Match 1: Murdoch 3 - 2 Melody Match 2: Rhythm 2 - 3 Leatherboys Match 3: Grenouilles 3 - 1 Pauls Match 4: Murdoch 3 - 2 Rhythm Match 5: Leatherboys 1 - 3 Melody Match 6: Grenouilles 3 - 2 Leatherboys Match 7: Pauls 1 - 3 Murdoch Match 8: Melody 3 - 1 Grenouilles Match 9: Pauls 2 - 3 Rhythm |
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Murdoch showed their dominance which was to be characteristic of the qualifying rounds by seeing off the hotly-tipped Melody in a pulsating first match. Then the crowd were almost overcome by the raw masculinity of the Leatherboys, who seemed to have set themselves up very well by seeing off eventual finalists Rhythm, who were left ruing a number of disgraceful unforced errors.
Then it was the turn of the 2005 champions to humble the already fairly humble Pauls with a textbook display of finesse and clinical accuracy, before Murdoch saw fit to further humiliate Rhythm, who not only turned in a very lacklustre performance but resorted to bickering with each other in a most ungentlemanly fashion. Naturally such behaviour is frowned upon in the pheasanting arena, and Umpire Cresswell Snorts did not hesitate to award the duo with a silliness point each for bringing the game into disrepute.
After a shaky start it was then the turn of Melody to strike a run of form by scoring a crushing victory over the Leatherboys to move them to the top of the table (alphabetically). This lofty position was to prove short-lived however, as the Leatherboys battled bravely but, exhausted from appearing in back-to-back games, failed to stem the French tide. This left them in a rather precarious position in the final qualifying spot, but with their fate in the hands of the remaining competitors, and powerless to do anything but watch nervously as events unfolded.
This subsequent lofty position was also to prove short-lived, when Murdoch romped to maximum points against the plucky Pauls, who in their amiable ineptitude had managed to win the hearts of all the spectators. Umpire Snorts was never going to be susceptible to such sentimentalism, and was unmoved as he called point after point against the hapless individuals.
Next came a match of sheer delight for the crowd, which was in fact much closer than the scoreline suggests. With qualification within sight for both teams Melody and les Grenouilles stepped up a gear and produced some exhibition pheasant from the top drawer, with some classy baseline rallying, and a bewildering double-barnaby and knee combination from The Man from Del Monte (which, as the tablet had been passed to him from The Vagrant, was more than the regulation number of touches - although all agreed the point should stand for reasons of skill). A cruel fence dislodgement on match point saw Melody swoop to claim second place.
The real drama of the qualifying stages however, was yet to come. Able to qualify by nothing short of a 3-0 victory, and with the crowd willing them on, the previously woeful Pauls cruised through the first two games as Sausagehands and The Sly Duke continued to underline each other's shortcomings with catty, girlish remarks more suited to the schoolyard than the Game of Champions. They were, however, careful enough to do so out of earshot of the ever vigilant Umpire Snorts. In the third game they began to mount a recovery, and after a moment of quick-thinking hat removal from The Duke the Pauls were out of the competition at 2-1. Suddenly it seemed to dawn on the Rhythm Section that if they worked together infamy was within their grasp, and they set about dismantling the Pauls' lead with a hitherto unseen ruthlessness. Where there had been dirty looks there was now high-fiving and vaguely homoerotic hugging. The Pauls were not beaten yet though and took them to deuce in the final game, whereupon the advantage toggled back and forth sickeningly for the Leatherboys who, if the Pauls proved victorious, would still qualify (although they'd already downed enough Pimms to ensure that any further contribution to the tournament would have been fleeting). Eventually the Pauls were put out of their misery by a Sausagehands ace and more hugging ensued. Against all the odds the formerly turgid Rhythm had pulled it off and were through to the semi-finals.
The Semis
Grenouilles 3 - 1 Murdoch
After the nail-biting close to the qualifiers emotions were clearly getting the better of some of the pheasanteers, as wild accusations started to fly speculating that the draw for the semi-finals had been rigged so that Envy & Other Sins would be represented in the final. This was clearly nothing but outrageous gamesmanship and had little visible effect on the teams as Murdoch and les Grenuoilles squared up to one another. Both teams held serve admirably until The Temptress, much to the very vocal dismay of his couterpart The Zookeeper (whose serve had been near unplayable throughout the tournament), double faulted at Advantage not Murdoch to concede the third game. This was a serious predicament, the most consistent team so far was now in grave danger of crashing out. And that's precicesly what happened: the French opted to turn on the flair and, having had little luck against Melody, served out the match and left a tearful and dejected Murdoch in their not inconsiderable wake.
Melody 1 -3 Rhythm
The grudge match. Rhythm were clearly the underdogs, having been wildly unpredictable so far. Melody on the other hand had struck a rich vein of form and were high spirits knowing they had already beaten the other finalists in some style. However, it soon became apparent that this was not the Melody of the qualifiers, and furthermore Rhythm seemed to have found their er.. rhythm and were deploying their 'serve and lurch' tactics to devastating effect in the first game. The second game was evenly balanced at 30:30 when Sausagehands spectacularly leapt into the air, chest thrust forward, and propelled the tablet past the despairing Vagrant's lunge, thus enthralling the crowd, securing an ever-elusive Barnaby Bonus and claiming the second game in one inspired movement. It was Melody who struck next, when The Sly Duke demolished the fence with great force at deuce, knocking them back to 30:40. The relatively tame second serve was dispatched vehemently by Del Monte. This setback only seemed to spur Rhythm on to break Melody's serve again and book a place in the final. In the end Melody were outclassed and outplayed. By a couple of morons. And bitter about it for ages. They will have their revenge in 2007. Mark my words.
The Final
Rhythm 2 - 3 Grenouilles
So this was it. All that stood in the way of another French victory was a pair of blundering bufoons. Was there the slightest glimmer of hope? Could they do the unthinkable and salvage some dignity for dear old Blighty? Could they heck: the French had shown excellent technique and a determination to retain the trophy throughout. Rhythm, on the other hand, had demonstrated man love and a penchant for the ridiculous. The misguided choruses of "Pheasant's coming home.." died away and Le Canard Mauvais stepped up to serve. Rhythm lumbered around the court somewhat ineffectually and seemed to wake up just in time to witness themselves go a game down. The players changed ends with a suitably jaunty skip over the fence with the exception of The Sly Duke, who saw fit to merely stroll round it as if he was going to the shops. The crowd did not appreciate this in the slightest and Umpire Snorts quickly admonished him and gave a second silliness point, this time for gross misconduct.
It was The Duke's turn to serve next, which in his own peculiar, unorthodox manner, he managed to do to great effect despite a wobble at 15-15. There was no break of serve in the next two games either, although Les Grenouilles always looked as if they might edge it, whereas Rhythm looked more likely to send a tablet soaring in the direction of the cucumber sandwiches. Still, the latter team played with great spirit and managed to keep the game on an even keel.
A deathly silence settled over Highbury Park as Le Canard Mauvais sauntered back to serve for the championship, but he kept his composure and delivered an elegant, swerving tablet right onto the shins of The Sly Duke, who could do nothing as it pronged horribly off him and into the bushes. The crowd whooped and The Duke gave a resigned shrug to his cohort. Then another tablet was arcing towards The Butcher's Boy who took a dramatic swing at it and watched in dismay as it obliterated the right hand side of the fence and landed fractionally outside the twine. 30:-15. The Duke shrugged again, this time in the direction of the spectators (much to their amusement). Then a succesful (if ungainly) return from The Sly Duke led to a splendid rally which featured some superb interplay between the two Frenchmen - Le Carnard juggled the tablet from one foot to another before lofting it seemingly beyond L'Emminence Grise, who launched himself sideways off the court and in mid-air volleyed exquisitely with his right foot - and a brace of towering headers from Sausagefingers, one of which teased a mop handle onto the ground before landing in and was returned hastily by Grise. Umpire Snorts motioned the players to see out the point, which was eventually claimed by a cheeky Sly Duke drop shot. There was a moment's confusion over the implications of this point, although not in the methodical mind of Snorts, who correctly adjudged to score to be 30:-30 (a penalty for the disruption of the fence, but no further advantage as les Grenouilles had failed to capitalise). The next point was farcical to say the least. The Sly Duke struggled to return a fine long serve from Mauvais, and Sausagehands, rushing to help the pass on its way, totally mistimed his lunge, flailed at the tablet and sent himself sprawling onto the fence. 40:-40 - one more mistake and it would be -game (a circumstance never-before-witnessed in competitive pheasant). As it happened they managed to claw back another point before another desperate and enthralling rally found Sausagehands and The Duke both stranded at the fence. Mauvais volleyed to Grise, who saw his chance and caressed the tablet around their opponents with ease. Thus ended the Craig.
The Dastardly French had done it again and the Mutley-esque Rhythm and the rest of the miserably bad English were once again broken-hearted. The Pauls however were rather pleased, as they were presented with The Wooden Twig shortly before themselves presenting the URPA Cup to 2006's pheasanting kings.
World Pheasant Championship 2005
Play pheasant, or be only half alive.